i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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