My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
