I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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