im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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