I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
