My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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