I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
ttyl tear gas
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
