You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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