I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
