and i looked up. we had an audience...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
