Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
