I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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