Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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