I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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