can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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