Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
