if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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