When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
