When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
