I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
