My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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