yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This toilet bowl is my home.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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