I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
im six kinds of drunk right now
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
did i just pee glitter