Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
