my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
