Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
zippers are such a cool invention
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sext me about skeletons
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
