: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can't turn off my feet"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
