Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
