I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
