Redeem this text for a blowjob
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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