Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
