i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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