So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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