I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
