Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
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Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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