1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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