I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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