This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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