i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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