Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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