Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
