My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
