i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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