that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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