do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
