my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
