guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
