I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
