Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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