The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
