If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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