I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
