Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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