Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
