I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
