Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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