I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
