She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
