She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
